I remember back when my little girls were really little. To date myself, we're talking back in the early 90's. I thought I had a pretty good bead on things. Oh sure, I recall my wife expressing some displeasure at my lack of assistance in the rearing department... and the cleaning department... and the cooking department... and the money earning department... and I seem to recall something about the way I dressed, but life as I saw it - was pretty good.
What a fool I was. Rather than brushing off her complaints and wishing she would lighten up, I should have listened and addressed the things she was talking about. I would be a better person today with richer memories if I had. My marriage would have been better and my relationship with my kids would have been better. Not that these things are bad - They are actually very good now.
In fact it is the goodness in these relationships - despite my lack of performance - that makes me wish I had performed better, makes me wish I had been a better father and husband.
Oh well, I need to get over it - it's all in the past, right?
Not so fast. Here is the real problem. Despite my regrets about the past, I continue on the same path to this very day. Right now, my wife is cleaning the kitchen and is about to go upstairs to vacuum. I sit blogging to no one in particular - maybe even no one at all. Later this evening when I am watching TV, one of my daughters will probably call. Will I give her my undivided attention? No, I'll be all distracted watching TV instead of spending cherished moments with her on the phone. I am a hopeless schlub!
Okay, on to a question.
Dear Dad Dude,
I constantly have to nag my husband to get him to do anything. And that's just to do his stuff! Seeing him actually lift a finger to do something for me is just too much to hope for. I am tired. Tired of having to pull the wagon all the time. I do love the lug and he is a good guy at heart, but soon, I am going to have to kill him. Help me!
- Had it to Here in Helena
Dear Had it,
If you read what I wrote above, you will see that I might relate to your husband quite well. Here is what I recommend on how to deal with him. First, stop nagging. Do it cold turkey. You have probably just become marriage white noise. He is not even hearing you.
Second, sit him down with no distractions and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him how hard life is for you and that he is adding to the problem. Tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what he needs to do for you to keep your sanity. Tell him you are not going to nag him anymore - that you are going to talk with him. Ask him to repeat the problem back to you to be sure he understands it. Ask him how he thinks the problem can be solved. Listen to him. Work it out together.
Third, follow through. Don't nag him under any circumstances. Just before bed time, review the day with him. Tell him where he fell short and then tell him what he did that you appreciated. Ask him how he thinks he did. Ask him how you did.
I think you will find that by treating him as an adult and a partner, that he will begin to act like it. If not, you may want to evaluate your man choosing skills.
That's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
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