The King of the Castle

     I was on a bike ride with my niece and nephew, ages 9 & 10, the other day.  As I was shepherding them down the bike path on the ten mile ride, a thought occurred to me.  I miss this.  I miss being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor.
       Now that my daughters are adults with their own lives - oh they still claim they need me, but it's not the same - it's down to just Chris and me.  I love Chris and all, but she will never regard me as being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor.  No how - no way!  (of course I wouldn't want that anyway - would I?)
     Okay, I think I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What are you, some kind of megalomaniac?" Aren't you?  I know, I know, saying I miss being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor sounds bad.  In fact it sounds down right narcissistic, but I do not intend it that way.
    It was just very nice, very rewarding to be, well, Dad.  The Dad you go to for answers, the Dad that kicks your butt when you get out of line, the Dad that is there to comfort you when you fall off your bike, the Dad that shields you from the enormity the big cold world and metes it out to you in doses you can digest, the Dad that opens the full world of possibilities to you, the Dad that goads you on to finish that ride all the way.
     It was just very cool to be that guy, and now it is over, the job is complete, and I never really thought it would be.  I never even saw it happen, but now it is just so. 

   Oh well, on to a letter.  We have an actual letter this week.  The fact that I have an actual letter is the reason I even decided to quit rationalizing being too busy and revisit this blog for the first time in a long, long time.  I'd say that I will try to do better, but I know me.
  Okay, here is the letter.

Here is a current situation: My granddaughters will be attending a new school in 
a few weeks. They are entering fourth and sixth grades and they have been in 
their present school since preschool. They are very negative about the move. I 
will be picking them up after school four days per week and I know it will be a 
difficult period of transition for them. What suggestions do you have for me to 
be of help to them? 
  - Sent from my iPad 

     Dear Sent from my iPad,
     Obviously no child want's to go to a new school and naturally there will be a ton of resistance to it. How it all plays out will depend, first on your granddaughters' attitude, second on the other kids in the school, and third on the school itself.  Seeing as you have no control over the other kids and the school, let's focus on the girls.
    I suggest that you work on bolstering their attitudes before they set foot in the new school.  Remind them of other times in their lives when they resisted change, only to find out later the change was for the better.  You could tell them this is their opportunity to be anyone they want to be because no one knows them.  Hammer home that how they act will determine how they are perceived.  Sure, it's a downer they had to leave the school they were comfortable with, but new opportunities await.  Tell them it's normal to be cautious of the unknown, but that you will be there to help them through.
    Then, when you pick them up, ask them how the new opportunities are panning out.  Listen intently.  Make sure that what they perceive as negatives actually are, and if they are, offer them the tools to deal with them.  And ask them how they might have handled situations differently for better results.
    You are doing your granddaughters a huge service here.  By helping them through this major change, you will be helping them to deal with major changes for the rest of their lives.  I take my hat off to you!
-Dad Dude

 
     Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to a friend or six.   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  I am just a dude that's been there.   Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

(PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!!)

Schedule Envy

     Amanda, who is my youngest daughter and a frustrated super senior (5th year), was home this week from college.  Due to a lack of finances, she spent the last spring break of her collegiate career at home with her parents. Fortunately for Amanda, we happen to live in the world famous spring break hot spot of...          Milwaukee!  28 degrees and snowing!  Par-tay!
      Okay, she wasn't really with her parents.  We did get some face time and we did get to dine with her, (dinner for us - lunch for her) but most of her time was spent either sleeping or with her friends.  As always when she is home, her schedule is a source of interest to my wife, Chris and I.
     This is how her schedule appeared to us;
      1300 - Wake up
      1330 - Come downstairs in pajamas and robe.  Pour a bowl of museli
      1345 - Take museli down to basement and watch TV
      1415 - Finish museli, set bowl on floor, play Super Mario Galaxy (cat licks bowl clean)
      1730 - Emerge from basement, say hi to parents returning from work, go up and use all the hot water in the house via shower
      1830 - Finish shower, dress, and come down for lunch (our dinner) with parents
      1930 - Watch TV with parents, complain about lame shows being viewed.
      2130 - Parents retire for evening
      2200 - Go "out" with friends
      0130 - Come home, grab dinner (box of Girl Scout cookies), and watch TV in room
      ????  - Fall asleep.
     Now then.  What do you think of this schedule?  Here is how I see it.  If this schedule was typical of her life, I would say OMG!
     I think what I have to realize is that she was on vacation.  In her real life, she is pounding 18 credits and working 30 hours per week.  I don't get to witness the all-the-time go-getter version, all I see is the one week lazy bum version.  When I view things in that context I guess I don't mind picking up cat cleaned cereal bowls or empty Girl Scout cookie boxes so much.  Well - I don't really do that, Chris does, but I wouldn't mind it if I did it!

On to a question of my own invention.

       Dear Dad Dude,
       My five-year-old son does not talk to me, he whines to me.  Typically he sounds something like this, "Daaaad,  Billy won't let me play with hiiiiiim."  It drives me nuts!  It seems to me that everything that comes out of his mouth is a whiny request about something or other. How can I put a stop to this behavior?
- Headache in Hoboken

     Dear Headache,
     From my experience, people engage in behavior that has been successful for them in the past.  The more success they have had, the more cemented the behavior.  My guess here is when your son whined about Billy, you went out and yelled at Billy, didn't you?  If you did, you rewarded your whiny son's behavior, which will ensure more of it.  My advice is never give your son what he is whining about.  Tell him that if he cannot speak to you in a normal voice, you will not even pay attention to him.  Then you must DO what you say.  You need to change your behavior before he will change his.  It won't be easy because his first response will be to go back to the well and whine even harder.  But stick to your guns!  When whining no longer works, he will cast about for a new annoying way to get what he wants!


     Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to a friend or six.   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  I am just a dude that's been there.   Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

                       

The "P" Word

     As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while - a long while.  I could come up with a lot of great excuses but if I am honest with myself, there is really only one reason - I procrastinated.  I started out with grand intentions to do this twice per week.  I proclaimed my determination not to let it fade, but fade it has and I have only myself to blame.
     Now to tie this to the subject at hand - fatherhood.  It is easy, when you are fresh out of the delivery room to make all kinds of grand promises to yourself about how great a dad you are going to be.  It is astonishing, however, how quickly those promises can be forgotten.  At 2 a.m. when it's your turn for the feeding after three months of interrupted sleep.  During a play date when your kid is being a snot.  After a nightmare day at work when your kid wants to play a game.
     Here is the thing.  When the promises are broken - and they will be, just pick your butt up and get back in the game.  You can't undo what you did (or didn't) do.  You can only do the right thing in the present so act like a shoe commercial and just do it!  Moping around over your past transgressions gets you nowhere.  Learn from them and move on!  Quit procrastinating!  Do it now!

On to an actual letter.

     Dear Dad Dude,

     My daughter is involved in a dance group that has several competitions every year. She is nine and has been doing this for three years already. At the beginning she really loved it, but now it seems that she is almost trapped. She hates to practice at home but claims to love the competitions, while in actuality she doesn't do well and stresses out.   

    Also, there is a new teacher who doesn't use the same encouraging methods and favors certain other students. We are thinking we should force her to quit, and have been trying to encourage her soccer skills. Every time we ask her if she wants to quit, she strongly asserts that she wants to stay in the group. If she drops out, even for a while, she will lose her spot in the dance troupe, and she doesn't want to do that. What would you advise?

Cecile Lepidoptra

   
     Dear Cecile,

     There may be a reason she wants to stay in the troupe that she isn't telling you.  It may be peer pressure or a boy she likes or maybe even a fear of losing her identity.  What I would do is ask her why she wants to continue.  Once you have the reasons, you can set goals to ensure those reasons are coming to fruition.  Periodically, you can both review the progress of those goals, using the information to decide if this, or maybe another troupe, or leaving dance altogether is the best for her. 

     Also, were I you, I would also examine my own motivation for wanting her to quit.  Is it because I feel she is being harmed?  Or is it because I find it hard to see her in turmoil over the competition?  Or am I just tired of the battle of getting her to practice?

    As to the teacher, your daughter will have to deal with all types of authority figures in her life.  Unless this teacher is abusive, just be there to help your daughter to be able to cope with and maybe even excel under this type of teacher.  Then she'll have that going for her!

-Dad Dude

Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com