Caring and Support

    Humans are interesting creatures, aren't they?  I mean we usually don't see it because, of course we are all in the thick of it, but when you step back and look at how we are wired, you find a lot of interesting things.  The interesting thing that I'd like to examine today is the desire or even need for support.  We seem to have a very difficult time going it alone.
    I believe this need for support is a good thing and here's why.  It seems that the only way to get the support we need is to give support to others.  It forces us to be community!   It is the age old, but always relevant, it is in giving that we receive.
     I bring this up because I am humbled to be included in a support group of my own.  I am in a writing group and the support I have gotten from this group has been nothing short of miraculous.  Were it not for them, you would not be reading this now.  I hope that I have given support even one fourth as much as has come my way.
     Thank you to the Fitwigs!
     OK, on to a letter.  Now I hope you all are sitting because we are making blog, well my blog anyway, history.  Today, for the first time, I am featuring a letter that I did not concoct myself.  Cecile Bonniwell has been gracious enough to send me a question to daddude@wi.rr.com!  Thank you Cecile!  I will do my best to answer your question as thoughtfully as I can!

Dear Dad Dude,
   My child, age eleven, has always been a picky eater. I keep encouraging her to try different foods, but she doesn't want to. She likes macaroni and cheese, cheese crackers, apples, and sweets. She also will eat pop tarts and pancakes. No oranges or bananas. I thought if we ignored it and evaded showdowns, she would naturally improve her taste, but it's not happening. What do you suggest?
- East Side Cecile  

Dear Cecile

     I am going to assume for the sake of this discussion that your daughter does not exhibit any weight issues or self esteem issues that could lead to serious problems.  If she does, I recommend you get a professional involved.  

    Now, here is what I suggest.  Serve healthy, well balanced meals.  Do not make any special food outside of the family meal or make any additional food available.  Tell her it's the family meal or nothing.  If she is hungry, she will eat the meal.  If you are serving pork chops and vegetables - and you make mac and cheese just for her, it is your fault that she is eating mac and cheese!

   I am also concerned that you may be overly concerned about her diet.  If you focus on her not having a healthy diet, you might actually be exacerbating the problem. 

   Finally, and I don't know if you are already doing this, try to eat at least one meal as a family at the table.  This is a great opportunity to communicate and bond as a family, while at the same time ensuring that a healthy diet is being ingested.

Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com















 

Practice, practice, practice

    In my last post, I detailed how I had a major mouth malfunction at a milestone moment in life.  So you don't think I am a complete dweeb, I decided to relate a story of words coming out of my mouth that hit the mark.
New- but familiar situation;  my youngest daughter was going to her senior prom.
    We were at the photo shoot at the parents of one of her friends and it was time for me to take my leave.  Before I went, I walked up to her and her friends and began to admonish them.  "Now there will be no drinking at this dance or at the after party - right?"
    "No!" they all answered in unison. 
    "And no drugs?"
    "Of course not!"
    "And there will be no hooking up?"
     By now my daughter was becoming exasperated.  She moaned, "Come on Dad!"
    I said, "That's not an answer!  No hooking up?"
    "NO!"
    I rubbed my chin for a moment, staring at them.  "Wow, that sounds like a really boring party!"
    I was an instant hero.

On to the postal pile


Dear Dad Dude,
    My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 11 yr old son.  She wants to let him play Pop Warner football and I am afraid he's going to get permanently injured.   He is really good in sports and he really wants to play, but the thought of him being laid up is too much for me to handle.  I just can't fight the both of them.  How do I get my wife to come to my side?
- Determined to Win

Dear Winnie,
   Well, thank you very much!  Now no one can say this blog is cliche!
   Okay, here's the thing.  You asked the wrong question which leads me to believe that you do not compromise well.  The question should be, "Am I being unreasonable?"  The answer to that question is, no you are not.  BUT, that is not to say your son should not play football.  The three of you should sit down and discuss the problem rationally.  Maybe you know someone that has an old football injury that you can get an opinion from.  At the very least, I would talk to the coach and find out about the safety precautions the team and the league take.
    You cannot protect your son all his life.  Sometimes he is going to be in less than safe situations.  But you also do not need to allow him to take unnecessary risks.  I guess the three of you need to decide how necessary this risk is.  You three are just going to have to make the call.
    There.  That's enough talking out both sides of my mouth.  I know I was absolutely no help at all.  Oh well - Good luck!


Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com



  

Generational Dumbness

    Sometimes - without intending it - I can be kind of jerk like.  Here is an example from over ten years ago that I am still paying for today.  Here's the scene...
     It's a beautiful evening and my first born is going to her junior prom.  She looks so grown up in her dress and make up that I cannot believe my eyes.  Everyone is meeting at the town center in the gazebo for pictures.  When we arrive, I ask her to introduce me to her date and she does.  As I am shaking his hand at this milestone moment in life, my own father's sense of humor pops into my head and before I can check the thought, it comes shooting right out of my mouth.  Is it funny?  Not remotely.  Is it clever?  Yea, right.  Is it original?  In my dreams!  It is the very definition of the word "cliche."
    Here is the piece of brilliance I actually uttered, "As I was cleaning my shotgun earlier today, I was hoping that my daughter's date tonight was going to be a nice boy."
     I still cringe when I think about it, which is not often as it is usually blocked.  And to this day, I have never heard about anybody my daughter ever dated.  As far as I know, she has joined an order.  Do I deserve this information black out?  Yes, I probably do.   What is the point of me blogging this?  Maybe as self therapy and maybe some day some dad will read this and check his tongue at the door on prom night!

On to a letter


Dear Dad Dude,
    I'm having a problem with my own dad.  I came home the other day and caught him going through all my stuff in my room.  He was spying on me!  I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment.  I get good grades in high school and I have always tried to be a good son.  He says that as long as I am under his roof, that he can go through anything he wants.  I say I have a right to my privacy - I've earned it.  What do you say?
-Trustworthy in Tuscon


 Dear Trusty,
     I say that your dad was very wrong - to get caught.  Oh I don't have a problem with him spying on you.  You are his responsibility.  You are at an age where things can turn on a dime and your old man is just looking out for you.  Hey, he must have done something right if you are a good kid that gets good grades.  I just think he should have been more careful not to get caught by you - then you wouldn't know about it and there would be no problem!

 Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

Hakuna Matata my Butt

  

      I  remember back when my little girls were really little.  To date myself, we're talking back in the early 90's.  I thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  Oh sure, I recall my wife expressing some displeasure at my lack of assistance in the rearing department... and the cleaning department... and the cooking department...  and the money earning department... and I seem to recall something about the way I dressed, but life as I saw it - was pretty good.
     What a fool I was.  Rather than brushing off her complaints and wishing she would lighten up, I should have listened and addressed the things she was talking about.  I would be a better person today with richer memories if I had.  My marriage would have been better and my relationship with my kids would have been better.  Not that these things are bad - They are actually very good now.
    In fact it is the goodness in these relationships - despite my lack of performance - that makes me wish I had performed better, makes me wish I had been a better father and husband.
    Oh well, I need to get over it - it's all in the past, right?
    Not so fast.   Here is the real problem.  Despite my regrets about the past, I continue on the same path to this very day.  Right now, my wife is cleaning the kitchen and is about to go upstairs to vacuum.  I sit blogging to no one in particular - maybe even no one at all.  Later this evening when I am watching TV, one of my daughters will probably call.  Will I give her my undivided attention?  No, I'll be all distracted watching TV instead of spending cherished moments with her on the phone.  I am a hopeless schlub!

Okay, on to a question.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I constantly have to nag my husband to get him to do anything.  And that's just to do his stuff!  Seeing him actually lift a finger to do something for me is just too much to hope for.  I am tired.  Tired of having to pull the wagon all the time.  I do love the lug and he is a good guy at heart, but soon, I am going to have to kill him.  Help me!
- Had it to Here in Helena

Dear Had it,
     If you read what I wrote above, you will see that I might relate to your husband quite well.  Here is what I recommend on how to deal with him.  First, stop nagging.  Do it cold turkey.  You have probably just become marriage white noise.  He is not even hearing you.
     Second, sit him down with no distractions and have a heart to heart talk with him.  Tell him how hard life is for you and that he is adding to the problem.  Tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what he needs to do for you to keep your sanity.  Tell him you are not going to nag him anymore - that you are going to talk with him.  Ask him to repeat the problem back to you to be sure he understands it.  Ask him how he thinks the problem can be solved.  Listen to him.  Work it out together.
     Third, follow through.  Don't nag him under any circumstances.  Just before bed time, review the day with him.  Tell him where he fell short and then tell him what he did that you appreciated.  Ask him how he thinks he did.  Ask him how you did.
     I think you will find that by treating him as an adult and a partner, that he will begin to act like it.  If not, you may want to evaluate your man choosing skills.


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

There's Always Tomorrow .... NOT!

     In the big scheme of things, the day to day interaction with my kids never seemed like a big deal.  There was always tomorrow.  However, breaking it down to hours and minutes, and taking out time for work, sleep, and other necessities, there are maybe 25 to 30 hours per week that it is possible to interact with your kids.  That is only 17 percent of all time - not only your time, but your kid's time as well.
     Think about that.  That means that 83 percent of your kid's childhood will be spent without you.  And that is a best case scenario.  More than likely, the average dad spends something along the lines of 5 to 8 hours per week interacting or less!   That means that only 2 percent of your total time - and theirs are spent interacting!  In addition, childhood has a shelf-life.  And that shelf-life goes way quicker that can be imagined.
     The average pop probably spends way more time watching TV, yet he does not identify himself as a TV viewer, he identifies himself as a dad - even though, based on time (and sometimes - lets be honest - importance) he actually can be better described as a TV viewer.
     I am not preaching.  I put myself squarely in the TV Viewer camp.  Now that my kids are grown and gone, however, I wish I could go back, delete a lot more TV time, and add in a lot more dad time, because it was the dad times that I remember and cherish.

     Okay, on to a question.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I try to spend time with my teenager, but she doesn't seem to want to spend time with me.  I try to do things that she is interested in, but she always seems to come up with an excuse.  How can I connect with her in a meaningful way?
- Left Out on the Left Coast

Dear Lefty,
     Hopefully, you have cultivated a relationship with your daughter from an early age.  A lot of the time, lets face it, little kids are boring.  They're cute for a while but, because you have an adult brain, the level they are on is one you left behind long ago - hopefully.  I am assuming you did not sufficiently cultivate the relationship early on as if you did, most likely you would still have one now - assuming you did not do something to jeopardize it along the way - like embarrass her in front of her friends by just being you. 
   I think the best thing to do is to get her alone somewhere (maybe driving her somewhere?) and talk to her.  Tell her what you want and ask her how it can happen.  Ask her - don't assume - what she would like to do.  Find something that the two of you can do together - where there is no chance of running into one of her friends.
    Whatever you do, don't give up!  A lot of dads pull away from their daughters as they mature.  I commend you for trying to be there at a time she needs to have a positive male role model the most!


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

It's Lonely out in Cyber Space!

     Hi. It's me.  I'm back.  Did you miss me?  I can see now, well actually I could always see why so many people start a blog, and then abandon it.  I missed writing one - I didn't miss it like I longed for it, I missed it like I skipped it - because I was out of town and now I am finding it very hard to sit down and restart it. 
     But start it I must.  I must forge on - even if it's late and I have to go and paint in the morning.  Even if I was up at 5:30 this morning to work out.  Even if I really don't have anything interesting to write.  Even if I am the only one actually reading this. Even if the last email I got at daddude was two weeks ago - from me - and was the only email I got.  I am forging on!
     Okay - on to the much anticipated fake question.  I don't have one so I am just going to let my fingers type away and see what they come up with.  Here goes..


Dear Dad Dude,
jjfjqjif]]  dof wqo [w n [oi fn[ afdnaldnfo  kldf[lkd  fm  ladjs   ['mma dgmaq'?
- Konfused in Kankakee


Dear Konfused,
Could you please restate that?  I didn't quite get it.

Dear Dad Dude,
I'm sorry, let me see if I can clear that up.  I asked if I'm a bad parent if I let my 12 year-old girl dress like Brittany Spears.

Dear Konfused,
Thank you so much.  That was much better, I understood every word.  Let me answer you in this way, yes, yes you are a bad parent if you let your 12 year-old dress like Brittany Spears.

Well, that's all I have tonight.  At least I got some drivel down on the screen.  See you Saturday!

That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it*, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!
* If you kind of liked this post, you may want to think about therapy.

Write your question - any question at all - about pretty much anything -  to; daddude@wi.rr.com