Hakuna Matata my Butt

  

      I  remember back when my little girls were really little.  To date myself, we're talking back in the early 90's.  I thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  Oh sure, I recall my wife expressing some displeasure at my lack of assistance in the rearing department... and the cleaning department... and the cooking department...  and the money earning department... and I seem to recall something about the way I dressed, but life as I saw it - was pretty good.
     What a fool I was.  Rather than brushing off her complaints and wishing she would lighten up, I should have listened and addressed the things she was talking about.  I would be a better person today with richer memories if I had.  My marriage would have been better and my relationship with my kids would have been better.  Not that these things are bad - They are actually very good now.
    In fact it is the goodness in these relationships - despite my lack of performance - that makes me wish I had performed better, makes me wish I had been a better father and husband.
    Oh well, I need to get over it - it's all in the past, right?
    Not so fast.   Here is the real problem.  Despite my regrets about the past, I continue on the same path to this very day.  Right now, my wife is cleaning the kitchen and is about to go upstairs to vacuum.  I sit blogging to no one in particular - maybe even no one at all.  Later this evening when I am watching TV, one of my daughters will probably call.  Will I give her my undivided attention?  No, I'll be all distracted watching TV instead of spending cherished moments with her on the phone.  I am a hopeless schlub!

Okay, on to a question.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I constantly have to nag my husband to get him to do anything.  And that's just to do his stuff!  Seeing him actually lift a finger to do something for me is just too much to hope for.  I am tired.  Tired of having to pull the wagon all the time.  I do love the lug and he is a good guy at heart, but soon, I am going to have to kill him.  Help me!
- Had it to Here in Helena

Dear Had it,
     If you read what I wrote above, you will see that I might relate to your husband quite well.  Here is what I recommend on how to deal with him.  First, stop nagging.  Do it cold turkey.  You have probably just become marriage white noise.  He is not even hearing you.
     Second, sit him down with no distractions and have a heart to heart talk with him.  Tell him how hard life is for you and that he is adding to the problem.  Tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what he needs to do for you to keep your sanity.  Tell him you are not going to nag him anymore - that you are going to talk with him.  Ask him to repeat the problem back to you to be sure he understands it.  Ask him how he thinks the problem can be solved.  Listen to him.  Work it out together.
     Third, follow through.  Don't nag him under any circumstances.  Just before bed time, review the day with him.  Tell him where he fell short and then tell him what he did that you appreciated.  Ask him how he thinks he did.  Ask him how you did.
     I think you will find that by treating him as an adult and a partner, that he will begin to act like it.  If not, you may want to evaluate your man choosing skills.


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

There's Always Tomorrow .... NOT!

     In the big scheme of things, the day to day interaction with my kids never seemed like a big deal.  There was always tomorrow.  However, breaking it down to hours and minutes, and taking out time for work, sleep, and other necessities, there are maybe 25 to 30 hours per week that it is possible to interact with your kids.  That is only 17 percent of all time - not only your time, but your kid's time as well.
     Think about that.  That means that 83 percent of your kid's childhood will be spent without you.  And that is a best case scenario.  More than likely, the average dad spends something along the lines of 5 to 8 hours per week interacting or less!   That means that only 2 percent of your total time - and theirs are spent interacting!  In addition, childhood has a shelf-life.  And that shelf-life goes way quicker that can be imagined.
     The average pop probably spends way more time watching TV, yet he does not identify himself as a TV viewer, he identifies himself as a dad - even though, based on time (and sometimes - lets be honest - importance) he actually can be better described as a TV viewer.
     I am not preaching.  I put myself squarely in the TV Viewer camp.  Now that my kids are grown and gone, however, I wish I could go back, delete a lot more TV time, and add in a lot more dad time, because it was the dad times that I remember and cherish.

     Okay, on to a question.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I try to spend time with my teenager, but she doesn't seem to want to spend time with me.  I try to do things that she is interested in, but she always seems to come up with an excuse.  How can I connect with her in a meaningful way?
- Left Out on the Left Coast

Dear Lefty,
     Hopefully, you have cultivated a relationship with your daughter from an early age.  A lot of the time, lets face it, little kids are boring.  They're cute for a while but, because you have an adult brain, the level they are on is one you left behind long ago - hopefully.  I am assuming you did not sufficiently cultivate the relationship early on as if you did, most likely you would still have one now - assuming you did not do something to jeopardize it along the way - like embarrass her in front of her friends by just being you. 
   I think the best thing to do is to get her alone somewhere (maybe driving her somewhere?) and talk to her.  Tell her what you want and ask her how it can happen.  Ask her - don't assume - what she would like to do.  Find something that the two of you can do together - where there is no chance of running into one of her friends.
    Whatever you do, don't give up!  A lot of dads pull away from their daughters as they mature.  I commend you for trying to be there at a time she needs to have a positive male role model the most!


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

It's Lonely out in Cyber Space!

     Hi. It's me.  I'm back.  Did you miss me?  I can see now, well actually I could always see why so many people start a blog, and then abandon it.  I missed writing one - I didn't miss it like I longed for it, I missed it like I skipped it - because I was out of town and now I am finding it very hard to sit down and restart it. 
     But start it I must.  I must forge on - even if it's late and I have to go and paint in the morning.  Even if I was up at 5:30 this morning to work out.  Even if I really don't have anything interesting to write.  Even if I am the only one actually reading this. Even if the last email I got at daddude was two weeks ago - from me - and was the only email I got.  I am forging on!
     Okay - on to the much anticipated fake question.  I don't have one so I am just going to let my fingers type away and see what they come up with.  Here goes..


Dear Dad Dude,
jjfjqjif]]  dof wqo [w n [oi fn[ afdnaldnfo  kldf[lkd  fm  ladjs   ['mma dgmaq'?
- Konfused in Kankakee


Dear Konfused,
Could you please restate that?  I didn't quite get it.

Dear Dad Dude,
I'm sorry, let me see if I can clear that up.  I asked if I'm a bad parent if I let my 12 year-old girl dress like Brittany Spears.

Dear Konfused,
Thank you so much.  That was much better, I understood every word.  Let me answer you in this way, yes, yes you are a bad parent if you let your 12 year-old dress like Brittany Spears.

Well, that's all I have tonight.  At least I got some drivel down on the screen.  See you Saturday!

That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it*, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!
* If you kind of liked this post, you may want to think about therapy.

Write your question - any question at all - about pretty much anything -  to; daddude@wi.rr.com

The Masculine Mystique

     Re-reading my last post, I now realize that I can no longer blog and drink wine at the same time.  I think I might have gone off the sappy end there.  Any female readers, I'm sure will disagree, but if there are any guys perusing this, I think they will concur.
     Us guys are taught from little on to not show weakness.  Why is that?  Some would say it's because that's the way we were raised.  Others would say it's because we are hardwired that way.  Still others believe that its in the hormones.  Here is what I think.  I think it's all of the above.  And here is something else I think; It is a good thing.
     Okay, it is probably not a good thing to bottle up feelings and let them pile up inside for a future explosion, but that is not what I am advocating.  I'm saying that a good deal of life is a battle field.  In battle, to show weakness is to court defeat.  Did I show weakness in my last post?  Is the blogosphere a battlefield?  Yes and yes!  I'm a man dammit!  I am competing with millions of other blogs for readership!  I'm not going to tap into the thirty-five or so males that read blogs by showing weakness!
    I feel better now.  Thank you.  Time to get to a letter from one of my readers  -  me.

Dear Dad Dude;
My 5 yr old son seems to cry at the drop of a hat.  All it takes is a skinned knee or a bump on the noggin and the tears flow like a river.  I'm constantly telling him to man up, but that seems to make him cry all the more.  Any suggestions on how to handle this?
No Wuss in Wichita

Dear Wuss;
Okay, despite all the macho stuff I wrote above, you sir - are a jerk.  If you should keep this behavior up, you will turn your son into a jerk as well.  I'm just guessing here, but I am fairly sure that your old man was also jerk, wasn't he?  Break the cycle of jerkdom going on in your lineage!  You can comfort your son without coddling him!  If he skins his knee, praise him for trying hard at whatever he was doing.  Then stick a bandage on it and let the kid cry it out!  He's only 5 for goodness sake!  5 year-olds cry!  If he was 15 I'd say you might have a case, but he is 5!

That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!
PS.  I am in the Big Apple this weekend... so NO BLOG FOR YOU!  See you next Wednesday!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

A Summer Memory

      Well, I'm back for a third installment.  I know I'm having fun, how about you?  You know time is accelerating when days turn into minutes.  It seems like just minutes ago that I wrote my last blog and here I am writing another.
    Relating this to fatherhood, I remember when my girls, Stephanie and Amanda were small children.  I thought, irrationally, that they would always be small.  But that growing thing snuck up on me.  I never saw it happen on a day to day basis, but they did indeed grow all the way up and I was left to wander the halls of my childless home, looking at pictures and wondering what happened.  How did it get away from me?
     Now it's not all bad.  My wife, Chris and I have had the chance to reconnect and I am thoroughly enjoying that (nudge, nudge)!  But there are times when I just miss my kids.  I miss being Dad.
     In my closet is a t-shirt.  I keep it out in the open, folded with the chest showing.  On the chest is a picture of Stephanie and Amanda at the ages of maybe nine and six.  It is a novelty shirt from the state fair.  Chris took the girls that beautiful August day.  I had to work.
     The picture is, to me, priceless.  You can see summer reflected back in the girls tanned, smiling faces.  Amanda's missing a front tooth and Stephanie has a far off look. Their hair is frizzy, probably from rides on the midway and the picture is framed in balloon letters, "We Love Dad!"
  I think I've only worn that shirt maybe three times in the seventeen years since it was presented to me because I want it to last forever.  In all that time, there is one question that I have never been able to satisfactorily answer, Why did I not take off of work and go with them to the fair?


Okay, on that note, let's take a question from the make believe audience.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I'm a divorced father with half-time custody of two boys ages 10 and 12.  I am serious about a woman that has full custody of a daughter, age 7.  Our kids have yet to meet, but I would really like to move the relationship to the next level.  Any suggestions?
Ready to Plunge

Dear Ready,
    Statistically, what you are proposing (pardon the pun) has a low chance of success.  Anytime two people try to cast their lot together, there are going to be problems - as I'm sure you are well aware having failed once at it already.  Now in addition to just the two of you, you are throwing children of varying ages and backgrounds into the mix - probably against their will.  And you have your ex's tossed in - just for laughs.  And that's before you take into account extended families and friends.
     Now, that being said, you can improve your odds by openly communicating as much as possible.  If anyone (well, probably not the ex's) has the slightest concern (including yourself), it needs to be brought out into the open and talked out to everyone's satisfaction.  I don't think it is a bad idea to get a family councilor on retainer as a disinterested third party for the inevitable problems that will come up.
    I know, the heart wants what it wants and that's fine.  It may all work out and it might even be the best thing that ever happened to all of you.  Keep a positive attitude.  Make note of the hazards, but focus on the fairway!

That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

Two down, ???? to go

     Hi again!  I'm back for the second installment of A Fatherhood Instruction Manual!  Two in a row!  Woo who!
    I want to start by thanking everyone that commented or even just read my first installment.  It helped me to realize just how blessed I am to have people around me that will take time from their busy days to read my musings.  You people are the best!
     Okay now, back to me.
     When I last wrote, I promised I would release details about myself so you can see if my advice is worth the computer screen it is written on - well actually, computer screens are quite expensive so that cliche doesn't update well.  Poop.  I promised I would release details about myself so  you can see if my advice is worth a plug nickle.  Okay, what is a plug nickle?  Can anyone tell me?  ... so you can see if my advice is worth a three dollar bill...  Aw to heck with it.  Let's just get to a question.  My in-box was loaded with fathers seeking my amateur, Monday morning quarterbacking advice - in my dreams.  So here is another made up question;

Dear Dad Dude,
      How am I supposed to write to you with a question if you never gave us an email address?
-Dumbfounded in Delaware

Dear Dumb,
     Good question!  How did you mail it to me this time?  Telepathy?  Got it.  From now on and to avoid mental errors (mental telepathy errors, that is) here is a valid email address you can use to write me;  daddude@wi.rr.com

Okay, now an actual fake question...

Dear Dad Dude,
     My 5 year-old daughter threw an unholy conniption fit in the grocery store this morning because I refused to buy her some Dipsey Doodles.  I tried to be nice, then I threatened her, but I finally had to give in and get her the dern Dipsey Doodles.  How can I prevent this behavior in the future?
P-Oed in Poughkeepsie
    
Dear P,
     Wow, haven't we all been there.  Here's the thing.  It may not feel like it but you ended up taking the path of least resistance.  When being a dad, the PLR is almost always the wrong path.  First you didn't set your expectations and consequences ahead of time.  Second, you made an idle threat. And third (and worst of all) you gave in after you said no because she turned up the heat..
     In order to modify your daughter's behavior, you must first modify your own.  Before you ever go into the store, tell your daughter what you expect out of her and what will happen if your expectations are not met.  Be realistic, because if your expectations are not met, you absolutely must follow through with your threat.  If you don't, you are just whistling in the wind.  Above all, if whining and screaming occur - by your daughter, do not give in.  If you do, then you are telling her that whining and screaming work and to please do it again whenever she wants something.
    This is not an easy solution.  She has learned - from you - that these tactics are fruitful.  She now has to unlearn what you taught her earlier (not everything we teach is intentional) and learn what you are now teaching her.  It will be very rough at first, but as she learns the new rules, she will test them less and less.  Good luck my friend!  I recommend cranking the mp3 player!


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

A Toe in the Water

Hello out there in blog land.  Thank you for clicking onto my first ever blog.
     My name is Steve and I am in the process of writing a book called A Fatherhood Instruction Manual.  I have some experience at this, (the fatherhood stuff, not the writing stuff) as I have helped to raise two daughters to full and complete, society contributing adulthood.  Although I am quite biased, I think they both turned out pretty darn well - even though there were many missteps along the way.
     Now, assuming that I know a thing or two about being a dad, (I know, BIG assumption) and knowing that I want to share this assumed wisdom with whomever would deem to find it valuable - or at least somewhat entertaining, it seems to me that I need to be able to string a few coherent words together in a meaningful way. In order to bolster that effort, I am now officially a blogger.  Hopefully I haven't lost you yet with my inexperienced word stringing.
    So, anyway, here is my plan for this blog.  I am going to try to come up with a fatherhood type problem or dilemma, either of my own invention or - if anybody ever reads this thing  - from questions from the blogosphere.  As we go along, (my current goal is to write twice per week - unless I get popular or something crazy like that) I will maybe write a little about myself so anyone can ascertain the validity of any advice spewing from my keyboard.
     Now I think I've droned on too long already so let me get to an easy question to kick things off.

Dear Dad Dude,
     My 12 year old son seems to constantly torment his 8 year old sister.  Nothing I do seems to stop it.  I've tried yelling at him and punishing him, but still he persists.  What can I do?
-Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated,
     OK, I wasn't expecting such a hard question right off the bat, but seeing as that's what my fingers typed, here goes.  Before you do anything else, I think you should take a step back - way back and look at yourself.  What type of a man are you?  Do you live a decent life?  Do you live by a code of ethics?  Do you live by the golden rule?  Next take a hard look at your relationship with your son's mother.  How do you and her interact?  Is your son mirroring that relationship?  If you have any unsatisfactory answers to any of these questions, then you need to address them.  Always keep in mind that our kids derive a good deal of their behavior based on what they see in us.
     Next, have a meaningful talk with your son.  Ask him what he thinks is going on.  Try to do so in a non- threatening way.  If you can get him to admit there is a problem, ask him to come up with a solution to that problem.  Then ask him for a plan to implement that solution.  Once the plan is implemented, check back with him regularly and ask him how the plan is going and if any adjustments need to be made.
     Finally, let your daughter know what is going on and that you are there for her.
     If you do all this and still have a problem, it is far deeper than can be handled by some goofy guy in a blog.  Seek family counseling.


Well, thus concludes my first blog.  If you read it and even kind of liked it, please feel free to recommend it to everyone you know who has a computer.  Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
     Thanks for reading!