Amanda, who is my youngest daughter and a frustrated super senior (5th year), was home this week from college. Due to a lack of finances, she spent the last spring break of her collegiate career at home with her parents. Fortunately for Amanda, we happen to live in the world famous spring break hot spot of... Milwaukee! 28 degrees and snowing! Par-tay!
Okay, she wasn't really with her parents. We did get some face time and we did get to dine with her, (dinner for us - lunch for her) but most of her time was spent either sleeping or with her friends. As always when she is home, her schedule is a source of interest to my wife, Chris and I.
This is how her schedule appeared to us;
1300 - Wake up
1330 - Come downstairs in pajamas and robe. Pour a bowl of museli
1345 - Take museli down to basement and watch TV
1415 - Finish museli, set bowl on floor, play Super Mario Galaxy (cat licks bowl clean)
1730 - Emerge from basement, say hi to parents returning from work, go up and use all the hot water in the house via shower
1830 - Finish shower, dress, and come down for lunch (our dinner) with parents
1930 - Watch TV with parents, complain about lame shows being viewed.
2130 - Parents retire for evening
2200 - Go "out" with friends
0130 - Come home, grab dinner (box of Girl Scout cookies), and watch TV in room
???? - Fall asleep.
Now then. What do you think of this schedule? Here is how I see it. If this schedule was typical of her life, I would say OMG!
I think what I have to realize is that she was on vacation. In her real life, she is pounding 18 credits and working 30 hours per week. I don't get to witness the all-the-time go-getter version, all I see is the one week lazy bum version. When I view things in that context I guess I don't mind picking up cat cleaned cereal bowls or empty Girl Scout cookie boxes so much. Well - I don't really do that, Chris does, but I wouldn't mind it if I did it!
On to a question of my own invention.
Dear Dad Dude,
My five-year-old son does not talk to me, he whines to me. Typically he sounds something like this, "Daaaad, Billy won't let me play with hiiiiiim." It drives me nuts! It seems to me that everything that comes out of his mouth is a whiny request about something or other. How can I put a stop to this behavior?
- Headache in Hoboken
Dear Headache,
From my experience, people engage in behavior that has been successful for them in the past. The more success they have had, the more cemented the behavior. My guess here is when your son whined about Billy, you went out and yelled at Billy, didn't you? If you did, you rewarded your whiny son's behavior, which will ensure more of it. My advice is never give your son what he is whining about. Tell him that if he cannot speak to you in a normal voice, you will not even pay attention to him. Then you must DO what you say. You need to change your behavior before he will change his. It won't be easy because his first response will be to go back to the well and whine even harder. But stick to your guns! When whining no longer works, he will cast about for a new annoying way to get what he wants!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to a friend or six. Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. I am just a dude that's been there. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The "P" Word
As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while - a long while. I could come up with a lot of great excuses but if I am honest with myself, there is really only one reason - I procrastinated. I started out with grand intentions to do this twice per week. I proclaimed my determination not to let it fade, but fade it has and I have only myself to blame.
Now to tie this to the subject at hand - fatherhood. It is easy, when you are fresh out of the delivery room to make all kinds of grand promises to yourself about how great a dad you are going to be. It is astonishing, however, how quickly those promises can be forgotten. At 2 a.m. when it's your turn for the feeding after three months of interrupted sleep. During a play date when your kid is being a snot. After a nightmare day at work when your kid wants to play a game.
Here is the thing. When the promises are broken - and they will be, just pick your butt up and get back in the game. You can't undo what you did (or didn't) do. You can only do the right thing in the present so act like a shoe commercial and just do it! Moping around over your past transgressions gets you nowhere. Learn from them and move on! Quit procrastinating! Do it now!
On to an actual letter.
Dear Dad Dude,
Dear Cecile,
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Now to tie this to the subject at hand - fatherhood. It is easy, when you are fresh out of the delivery room to make all kinds of grand promises to yourself about how great a dad you are going to be. It is astonishing, however, how quickly those promises can be forgotten. At 2 a.m. when it's your turn for the feeding after three months of interrupted sleep. During a play date when your kid is being a snot. After a nightmare day at work when your kid wants to play a game.
Here is the thing. When the promises are broken - and they will be, just pick your butt up and get back in the game. You can't undo what you did (or didn't) do. You can only do the right thing in the present so act like a shoe commercial and just do it! Moping around over your past transgressions gets you nowhere. Learn from them and move on! Quit procrastinating! Do it now!
On to an actual letter.
Dear Dad Dude,
My daughter is involved in a dance group that has several competitions every year. She is nine and has been doing this for three years already. At the beginning she really loved it, but now it seems that she is almost trapped. She hates to practice at home but claims to love the competitions, while in actuality she doesn't do well and stresses out.
Also, there is a new teacher who doesn't use the same encouraging methods and favors certain other students. We are thinking we should force her to quit, and have been trying to encourage her soccer skills. Every time we ask her if she wants to quit, she strongly asserts that she wants to stay in the group. If she drops out, even for a while, she will lose her spot in the dance troupe, and she doesn't want to do that. What would you advise?
Cecile Lepidoptra
Dear Cecile,
There may be a reason she wants to stay in the troupe that she isn't telling you. It may be peer pressure or a boy she likes or maybe even a fear of losing her identity. What I would do is ask her why she wants to continue. Once you have the reasons, you can set goals to ensure those reasons are coming to fruition. Periodically, you can both review the progress of those goals, using the information to decide if this, or maybe another troupe, or leaving dance altogether is the best for her.
Also, were I you, I would also examine my own motivation for wanting her to quit. Is it because I feel she is being harmed? Or is it because I find it hard to see her in turmoil over the competition? Or am I just tired of the battle of getting her to practice?
As to the teacher, your daughter will have to deal with all types of authority figures in her life. Unless this teacher is abusive, just be there to help your daughter to be able to cope with and maybe even excel under this type of teacher. Then she'll have that going for her!
-Dad Dude
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmas Rationalizations
Hmm, from the time it took me to write the title of this post to the time I started typing this sentence, I had a change of heart about the tone I am taking. I was going to tell you about all the rationalizations I made to convince myself that not writing for two weeks was okay. Then I was going to apologize and wring my hands and spend the whole post vowing to to better.
Screw dat!
I am just going to get on with life and give you a decent post. Take that, guilt!
Okay, now the only problem is I really don't have a topic planned. At least before, I could have written something funny about how the birth of Jesus has caused me to be so busy as to ignore my reading public, but now I am stuck for material. Maybe if I keep writing about how I don't know what to write about, something will pop into my head. Okay, that didn't work. Neither did that. Neither did...STOP IT.
Note to self - next time you want to dump a topic right after typing the title, HAVE A TOPIC TO REPLACE IT!
Okay, back to concocted letters...
Dear Dad Dude,
My 8-year-old son seems to lack focus in school - or so his teacher is telling me. This is the first I am hearing of this supposed problem. Since his teacher told me this, I have been trying to look for signs of it at home, but I haven't noticed anything. That kid can play wii for 5 hours straight! My question is, do I confront the teacher or just ignore her?
- Honed In in Houston
Dear Honed,
Here is the thing, playing wii for 5 hours straight does not prove a laser like focus. I recommend that you set a meeting with the teacher, then go into that meeting with an attitude that you are there to support her in addressing the problem. My guess is that math and history do not hold the same interest for your son that wii does. You will probably have to sit with your son while he does his homework to see how he is doing at it (just sit there and maybe prod a bit, but do not answer it!). Just remember that the teacher really has no motivation to lie to you about your son. In fact, from my experience, if the teacher stretches the truth, it is to say the child is better than he is. Good luck!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Screw dat!
I am just going to get on with life and give you a decent post. Take that, guilt!
Okay, now the only problem is I really don't have a topic planned. At least before, I could have written something funny about how the birth of Jesus has caused me to be so busy as to ignore my reading public, but now I am stuck for material. Maybe if I keep writing about how I don't know what to write about, something will pop into my head. Okay, that didn't work. Neither did that. Neither did...STOP IT.
Note to self - next time you want to dump a topic right after typing the title, HAVE A TOPIC TO REPLACE IT!
Okay, back to concocted letters...
Dear Dad Dude,
My 8-year-old son seems to lack focus in school - or so his teacher is telling me. This is the first I am hearing of this supposed problem. Since his teacher told me this, I have been trying to look for signs of it at home, but I haven't noticed anything. That kid can play wii for 5 hours straight! My question is, do I confront the teacher or just ignore her?
- Honed In in Houston
Dear Honed,
Here is the thing, playing wii for 5 hours straight does not prove a laser like focus. I recommend that you set a meeting with the teacher, then go into that meeting with an attitude that you are there to support her in addressing the problem. My guess is that math and history do not hold the same interest for your son that wii does. You will probably have to sit with your son while he does his homework to see how he is doing at it (just sit there and maybe prod a bit, but do not answer it!). Just remember that the teacher really has no motivation to lie to you about your son. In fact, from my experience, if the teacher stretches the truth, it is to say the child is better than he is. Good luck!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Practice, practice, practice
In my last post, I detailed how I had a major mouth malfunction at a milestone moment in life. So you don't think I am a complete dweeb, I decided to relate a story of words coming out of my mouth that hit the mark.
New- but familiar situation; my youngest daughter was going to her senior prom.
We were at the photo shoot at the parents of one of her friends and it was time for me to take my leave. Before I went, I walked up to her and her friends and began to admonish them. "Now there will be no drinking at this dance or at the after party - right?"
"No!" they all answered in unison.
"And no drugs?"
"Of course not!"
"And there will be no hooking up?"
By now my daughter was becoming exasperated. She moaned, "Come on Dad!"
I said, "That's not an answer! No hooking up?"
"NO!"
I rubbed my chin for a moment, staring at them. "Wow, that sounds like a really boring party!"
I was an instant hero.
On to the postal pile
Dear Dad Dude,
My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 11 yr old son. She wants to let him play Pop Warner football and I am afraid he's going to get permanently injured. He is really good in sports and he really wants to play, but the thought of him being laid up is too much for me to handle. I just can't fight the both of them. How do I get my wife to come to my side?
- Determined to Win
Dear Winnie,
Well, thank you very much! Now no one can say this blog is cliche!
Okay, here's the thing. You asked the wrong question which leads me to believe that you do not compromise well. The question should be, "Am I being unreasonable?" The answer to that question is, no you are not. BUT, that is not to say your son should not play football. The three of you should sit down and discuss the problem rationally. Maybe you know someone that has an old football injury that you can get an opinion from. At the very least, I would talk to the coach and find out about the safety precautions the team and the league take.
You cannot protect your son all his life. Sometimes he is going to be in less than safe situations. But you also do not need to allow him to take unnecessary risks. I guess the three of you need to decide how necessary this risk is. You three are just going to have to make the call.
There. That's enough talking out both sides of my mouth. I know I was absolutely no help at all. Oh well - Good luck!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
New- but familiar situation; my youngest daughter was going to her senior prom.
We were at the photo shoot at the parents of one of her friends and it was time for me to take my leave. Before I went, I walked up to her and her friends and began to admonish them. "Now there will be no drinking at this dance or at the after party - right?"
"No!" they all answered in unison.
"And no drugs?"
"Of course not!"
"And there will be no hooking up?"
By now my daughter was becoming exasperated. She moaned, "Come on Dad!"
I said, "That's not an answer! No hooking up?"
"NO!"
I rubbed my chin for a moment, staring at them. "Wow, that sounds like a really boring party!"
I was an instant hero.
On to the postal pile
Dear Dad Dude,
My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 11 yr old son. She wants to let him play Pop Warner football and I am afraid he's going to get permanently injured. He is really good in sports and he really wants to play, but the thought of him being laid up is too much for me to handle. I just can't fight the both of them. How do I get my wife to come to my side?
- Determined to Win
Dear Winnie,
Well, thank you very much! Now no one can say this blog is cliche!
Okay, here's the thing. You asked the wrong question which leads me to believe that you do not compromise well. The question should be, "Am I being unreasonable?" The answer to that question is, no you are not. BUT, that is not to say your son should not play football. The three of you should sit down and discuss the problem rationally. Maybe you know someone that has an old football injury that you can get an opinion from. At the very least, I would talk to the coach and find out about the safety precautions the team and the league take.
You cannot protect your son all his life. Sometimes he is going to be in less than safe situations. But you also do not need to allow him to take unnecessary risks. I guess the three of you need to decide how necessary this risk is. You three are just going to have to make the call.
There. That's enough talking out both sides of my mouth. I know I was absolutely no help at all. Oh well - Good luck!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Generational Dumbness
Sometimes - without intending it - I can be kind of jerk like. Here is an example from over ten years ago that I am still paying for today. Here's the scene...
It's a beautiful evening and my first born is going to her junior prom. She looks so grown up in her dress and make up that I cannot believe my eyes. Everyone is meeting at the town center in the gazebo for pictures. When we arrive, I ask her to introduce me to her date and she does. As I am shaking his hand at this milestone moment in life, my own father's sense of humor pops into my head and before I can check the thought, it comes shooting right out of my mouth. Is it funny? Not remotely. Is it clever? Yea, right. Is it original? In my dreams! It is the very definition of the word "cliche."
Here is the piece of brilliance I actually uttered, "As I was cleaning my shotgun earlier today, I was hoping that my daughter's date tonight was going to be a nice boy."
I still cringe when I think about it, which is not often as it is usually blocked. And to this day, I have never heard about anybody my daughter ever dated. As far as I know, she has joined an order. Do I deserve this information black out? Yes, I probably do. What is the point of me blogging this? Maybe as self therapy and maybe some day some dad will read this and check his tongue at the door on prom night!
On to a letter
Dear Dad Dude,
I'm having a problem with my own dad. I came home the other day and caught him going through all my stuff in my room. He was spying on me! I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment. I get good grades in high school and I have always tried to be a good son. He says that as long as I am under his roof, that he can go through anything he wants. I say I have a right to my privacy - I've earned it. What do you say?
-Trustworthy in Tuscon
Dear Trusty,
I say that your dad was very wrong - to get caught. Oh I don't have a problem with him spying on you. You are his responsibility. You are at an age where things can turn on a dime and your old man is just looking out for you. Hey, he must have done something right if you are a good kid that gets good grades. I just think he should have been more careful not to get caught by you - then you wouldn't know about it and there would be no problem!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
It's a beautiful evening and my first born is going to her junior prom. She looks so grown up in her dress and make up that I cannot believe my eyes. Everyone is meeting at the town center in the gazebo for pictures. When we arrive, I ask her to introduce me to her date and she does. As I am shaking his hand at this milestone moment in life, my own father's sense of humor pops into my head and before I can check the thought, it comes shooting right out of my mouth. Is it funny? Not remotely. Is it clever? Yea, right. Is it original? In my dreams! It is the very definition of the word "cliche."
Here is the piece of brilliance I actually uttered, "As I was cleaning my shotgun earlier today, I was hoping that my daughter's date tonight was going to be a nice boy."
I still cringe when I think about it, which is not often as it is usually blocked. And to this day, I have never heard about anybody my daughter ever dated. As far as I know, she has joined an order. Do I deserve this information black out? Yes, I probably do. What is the point of me blogging this? Maybe as self therapy and maybe some day some dad will read this and check his tongue at the door on prom night!
On to a letter
Dear Dad Dude,
I'm having a problem with my own dad. I came home the other day and caught him going through all my stuff in my room. He was spying on me! I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment. I get good grades in high school and I have always tried to be a good son. He says that as long as I am under his roof, that he can go through anything he wants. I say I have a right to my privacy - I've earned it. What do you say?
-Trustworthy in Tuscon
Dear Trusty,
I say that your dad was very wrong - to get caught. Oh I don't have a problem with him spying on you. You are his responsibility. You are at an age where things can turn on a dime and your old man is just looking out for you. Hey, he must have done something right if you are a good kid that gets good grades. I just think he should have been more careful not to get caught by you - then you wouldn't know about it and there would be no problem!
Well, that's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Hakuna Matata my Butt
I remember back when my little girls were really little. To date myself, we're talking back in the early 90's. I thought I had a pretty good bead on things. Oh sure, I recall my wife expressing some displeasure at my lack of assistance in the rearing department... and the cleaning department... and the cooking department... and the money earning department... and I seem to recall something about the way I dressed, but life as I saw it - was pretty good.
What a fool I was. Rather than brushing off her complaints and wishing she would lighten up, I should have listened and addressed the things she was talking about. I would be a better person today with richer memories if I had. My marriage would have been better and my relationship with my kids would have been better. Not that these things are bad - They are actually very good now.
In fact it is the goodness in these relationships - despite my lack of performance - that makes me wish I had performed better, makes me wish I had been a better father and husband.
Oh well, I need to get over it - it's all in the past, right?
Not so fast. Here is the real problem. Despite my regrets about the past, I continue on the same path to this very day. Right now, my wife is cleaning the kitchen and is about to go upstairs to vacuum. I sit blogging to no one in particular - maybe even no one at all. Later this evening when I am watching TV, one of my daughters will probably call. Will I give her my undivided attention? No, I'll be all distracted watching TV instead of spending cherished moments with her on the phone. I am a hopeless schlub!
Okay, on to a question.
Dear Dad Dude,
I constantly have to nag my husband to get him to do anything. And that's just to do his stuff! Seeing him actually lift a finger to do something for me is just too much to hope for. I am tired. Tired of having to pull the wagon all the time. I do love the lug and he is a good guy at heart, but soon, I am going to have to kill him. Help me!
- Had it to Here in Helena
Dear Had it,
If you read what I wrote above, you will see that I might relate to your husband quite well. Here is what I recommend on how to deal with him. First, stop nagging. Do it cold turkey. You have probably just become marriage white noise. He is not even hearing you.
Second, sit him down with no distractions and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him how hard life is for you and that he is adding to the problem. Tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what he needs to do for you to keep your sanity. Tell him you are not going to nag him anymore - that you are going to talk with him. Ask him to repeat the problem back to you to be sure he understands it. Ask him how he thinks the problem can be solved. Listen to him. Work it out together.
Third, follow through. Don't nag him under any circumstances. Just before bed time, review the day with him. Tell him where he fell short and then tell him what he did that you appreciated. Ask him how he thinks he did. Ask him how you did.
I think you will find that by treating him as an adult and a partner, that he will begin to act like it. If not, you may want to evaluate your man choosing skills.
That's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Masculine Mystique
Us guys are taught from little on to not show weakness. Why is that? Some would say it's because that's the way we were raised. Others would say it's because we are hardwired that way. Still others believe that its in the hormones. Here is what I think. I think it's all of the above. And here is something else I think; It is a good thing.
Okay, it is probably not a good thing to bottle up feelings and let them pile up inside for a future explosion, but that is not what I am advocating. I'm saying that a good deal of life is a battle field. In battle, to show weakness is to court defeat. Did I show weakness in my last post? Is the blogosphere a battlefield? Yes and yes! I'm a man dammit! I am competing with millions of other blogs for readership! I'm not going to tap into the thirty-five or so males that read blogs by showing weakness!
I feel better now. Thank you. Time to get to a letter from one of my readers - me.
Dear Dad Dude;
My 5 yr old son seems to cry at the drop of a hat. All it takes is a skinned knee or a bump on the noggin and the tears flow like a river. I'm constantly telling him to man up, but that seems to make him cry all the more. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
No Wuss in Wichita
Dear Wuss;
Okay, despite all the macho stuff I wrote above, you sir - are a jerk. If you should keep this behavior up, you will turn your son into a jerk as well. I'm just guessing here, but I am fairly sure that your old man was also jerk, wasn't he? Break the cycle of jerkdom going on in your lineage! You can comfort your son without coddling him! If he skins his knee, praise him for trying hard at whatever he was doing. Then stick a bandage on it and let the kid cry it out! He's only 5 for goodness sake! 5 year-olds cry! If he was 15 I'd say you might have a case, but he is 5!
That's it! Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of! Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional. Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
Thanks for reading!
PS. I am in the Big Apple this weekend... so NO BLOG FOR YOU! See you next Wednesday!
Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)