The King of the Castle

     I was on a bike ride with my niece and nephew, ages 9 & 10, the other day.  As I was shepherding them down the bike path on the ten mile ride, a thought occurred to me.  I miss this.  I miss being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor.
       Now that my daughters are adults with their own lives - oh they still claim they need me, but it's not the same - it's down to just Chris and me.  I love Chris and all, but she will never regard me as being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor.  No how - no way!  (of course I wouldn't want that anyway - would I?)
     Okay, I think I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What are you, some kind of megalomaniac?" Aren't you?  I know, I know, saying I miss being the all knowing, all powerful lord of the manor sounds bad.  In fact it sounds down right narcissistic, but I do not intend it that way.
    It was just very nice, very rewarding to be, well, Dad.  The Dad you go to for answers, the Dad that kicks your butt when you get out of line, the Dad that is there to comfort you when you fall off your bike, the Dad that shields you from the enormity the big cold world and metes it out to you in doses you can digest, the Dad that opens the full world of possibilities to you, the Dad that goads you on to finish that ride all the way.
     It was just very cool to be that guy, and now it is over, the job is complete, and I never really thought it would be.  I never even saw it happen, but now it is just so. 

   Oh well, on to a letter.  We have an actual letter this week.  The fact that I have an actual letter is the reason I even decided to quit rationalizing being too busy and revisit this blog for the first time in a long, long time.  I'd say that I will try to do better, but I know me.
  Okay, here is the letter.

Here is a current situation: My granddaughters will be attending a new school in 
a few weeks. They are entering fourth and sixth grades and they have been in 
their present school since preschool. They are very negative about the move. I 
will be picking them up after school four days per week and I know it will be a 
difficult period of transition for them. What suggestions do you have for me to 
be of help to them? 
  - Sent from my iPad 

     Dear Sent from my iPad,
     Obviously no child want's to go to a new school and naturally there will be a ton of resistance to it. How it all plays out will depend, first on your granddaughters' attitude, second on the other kids in the school, and third on the school itself.  Seeing as you have no control over the other kids and the school, let's focus on the girls.
    I suggest that you work on bolstering their attitudes before they set foot in the new school.  Remind them of other times in their lives when they resisted change, only to find out later the change was for the better.  You could tell them this is their opportunity to be anyone they want to be because no one knows them.  Hammer home that how they act will determine how they are perceived.  Sure, it's a downer they had to leave the school they were comfortable with, but new opportunities await.  Tell them it's normal to be cautious of the unknown, but that you will be there to help them through.
    Then, when you pick them up, ask them how the new opportunities are panning out.  Listen intently.  Make sure that what they perceive as negatives actually are, and if they are, offer them the tools to deal with them.  And ask them how they might have handled situations differently for better results.
    You are doing your granddaughters a huge service here.  By helping them through this major change, you will be helping them to deal with major changes for the rest of their lives.  I take my hat off to you!
-Dad Dude

 
     Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to a friend or six.   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  I am just a dude that's been there.   Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

(PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!!)

Schedule Envy

     Amanda, who is my youngest daughter and a frustrated super senior (5th year), was home this week from college.  Due to a lack of finances, she spent the last spring break of her collegiate career at home with her parents. Fortunately for Amanda, we happen to live in the world famous spring break hot spot of...          Milwaukee!  28 degrees and snowing!  Par-tay!
      Okay, she wasn't really with her parents.  We did get some face time and we did get to dine with her, (dinner for us - lunch for her) but most of her time was spent either sleeping or with her friends.  As always when she is home, her schedule is a source of interest to my wife, Chris and I.
     This is how her schedule appeared to us;
      1300 - Wake up
      1330 - Come downstairs in pajamas and robe.  Pour a bowl of museli
      1345 - Take museli down to basement and watch TV
      1415 - Finish museli, set bowl on floor, play Super Mario Galaxy (cat licks bowl clean)
      1730 - Emerge from basement, say hi to parents returning from work, go up and use all the hot water in the house via shower
      1830 - Finish shower, dress, and come down for lunch (our dinner) with parents
      1930 - Watch TV with parents, complain about lame shows being viewed.
      2130 - Parents retire for evening
      2200 - Go "out" with friends
      0130 - Come home, grab dinner (box of Girl Scout cookies), and watch TV in room
      ????  - Fall asleep.
     Now then.  What do you think of this schedule?  Here is how I see it.  If this schedule was typical of her life, I would say OMG!
     I think what I have to realize is that she was on vacation.  In her real life, she is pounding 18 credits and working 30 hours per week.  I don't get to witness the all-the-time go-getter version, all I see is the one week lazy bum version.  When I view things in that context I guess I don't mind picking up cat cleaned cereal bowls or empty Girl Scout cookie boxes so much.  Well - I don't really do that, Chris does, but I wouldn't mind it if I did it!

On to a question of my own invention.

       Dear Dad Dude,
       My five-year-old son does not talk to me, he whines to me.  Typically he sounds something like this, "Daaaad,  Billy won't let me play with hiiiiiim."  It drives me nuts!  It seems to me that everything that comes out of his mouth is a whiny request about something or other. How can I put a stop to this behavior?
- Headache in Hoboken

     Dear Headache,
     From my experience, people engage in behavior that has been successful for them in the past.  The more success they have had, the more cemented the behavior.  My guess here is when your son whined about Billy, you went out and yelled at Billy, didn't you?  If you did, you rewarded your whiny son's behavior, which will ensure more of it.  My advice is never give your son what he is whining about.  Tell him that if he cannot speak to you in a normal voice, you will not even pay attention to him.  Then you must DO what you say.  You need to change your behavior before he will change his.  It won't be easy because his first response will be to go back to the well and whine even harder.  But stick to your guns!  When whining no longer works, he will cast about for a new annoying way to get what he wants!


     Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to a friend or six.   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  I am just a dude that's been there.   Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

                       

The "P" Word

     As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while - a long while.  I could come up with a lot of great excuses but if I am honest with myself, there is really only one reason - I procrastinated.  I started out with grand intentions to do this twice per week.  I proclaimed my determination not to let it fade, but fade it has and I have only myself to blame.
     Now to tie this to the subject at hand - fatherhood.  It is easy, when you are fresh out of the delivery room to make all kinds of grand promises to yourself about how great a dad you are going to be.  It is astonishing, however, how quickly those promises can be forgotten.  At 2 a.m. when it's your turn for the feeding after three months of interrupted sleep.  During a play date when your kid is being a snot.  After a nightmare day at work when your kid wants to play a game.
     Here is the thing.  When the promises are broken - and they will be, just pick your butt up and get back in the game.  You can't undo what you did (or didn't) do.  You can only do the right thing in the present so act like a shoe commercial and just do it!  Moping around over your past transgressions gets you nowhere.  Learn from them and move on!  Quit procrastinating!  Do it now!

On to an actual letter.

     Dear Dad Dude,

     My daughter is involved in a dance group that has several competitions every year. She is nine and has been doing this for three years already. At the beginning she really loved it, but now it seems that she is almost trapped. She hates to practice at home but claims to love the competitions, while in actuality she doesn't do well and stresses out.   

    Also, there is a new teacher who doesn't use the same encouraging methods and favors certain other students. We are thinking we should force her to quit, and have been trying to encourage her soccer skills. Every time we ask her if she wants to quit, she strongly asserts that she wants to stay in the group. If she drops out, even for a while, she will lose her spot in the dance troupe, and she doesn't want to do that. What would you advise?

Cecile Lepidoptra

   
     Dear Cecile,

     There may be a reason she wants to stay in the troupe that she isn't telling you.  It may be peer pressure or a boy she likes or maybe even a fear of losing her identity.  What I would do is ask her why she wants to continue.  Once you have the reasons, you can set goals to ensure those reasons are coming to fruition.  Periodically, you can both review the progress of those goals, using the information to decide if this, or maybe another troupe, or leaving dance altogether is the best for her. 

     Also, were I you, I would also examine my own motivation for wanting her to quit.  Is it because I feel she is being harmed?  Or is it because I find it hard to see her in turmoil over the competition?  Or am I just tired of the battle of getting her to practice?

    As to the teacher, your daughter will have to deal with all types of authority figures in her life.  Unless this teacher is abusive, just be there to help your daughter to be able to cope with and maybe even excel under this type of teacher.  Then she'll have that going for her!

-Dad Dude

Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

Christmas Rationalizations

     Hmm, from the time it took me to write the title of this post to the time I started typing this sentence, I had a change of heart about the tone I am taking.  I was going to tell you about all the rationalizations I made to convince myself that not writing for two weeks was okay.  Then I was going to apologize and wring my hands and spend the whole post vowing to to better.
      Screw dat!
     I am just going to get on with life and give you a decent post.  Take that, guilt!
     Okay, now the only problem is I really don't have a topic planned.  At least before, I could have written something funny about how the birth of Jesus has caused me to be so busy as to ignore my reading public, but now I am stuck for material.  Maybe if I keep writing about how I don't know what to write about, something will pop into my head.  Okay, that didn't work.  Neither did that. Neither did...STOP IT.
     Note to self - next time you want to dump a topic right after typing the title, HAVE A TOPIC TO REPLACE IT!

     Okay, back to concocted letters...

Dear Dad Dude,
     My 8-year-old son seems to lack focus in school - or so his teacher is telling me.  This is the first I am hearing of this supposed problem.  Since his teacher told me this, I have been trying to look for signs of it at home, but I haven't noticed anything.  That kid can play wii for 5 hours straight!  My question is, do I confront the teacher or just ignore her?
- Honed In in Houston

Dear Honed,
     Here is the thing, playing wii for 5 hours straight does not prove a laser like focus.  I recommend that you set a meeting with the teacher, then go into that meeting with an attitude that you are there to support her in addressing the problem.  My guess is that math and history do not hold the same interest for your son that wii does.  You will probably have to sit with your son while he does his homework to see how he is doing at it (just sit there and maybe prod a bit, but do not answer it!).  Just remember that the teacher really has no motivation to lie to you about your son.  In fact, from my experience, if the teacher stretches the truth, it is to say the child is better than he is.  Good luck!

Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Oh, and PLEASE write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

Practice, practice, practice

    In my last post, I detailed how I had a major mouth malfunction at a milestone moment in life.  So you don't think I am a complete dweeb, I decided to relate a story of words coming out of my mouth that hit the mark.
New- but familiar situation;  my youngest daughter was going to her senior prom.
    We were at the photo shoot at the parents of one of her friends and it was time for me to take my leave.  Before I went, I walked up to her and her friends and began to admonish them.  "Now there will be no drinking at this dance or at the after party - right?"
    "No!" they all answered in unison. 
    "And no drugs?"
    "Of course not!"
    "And there will be no hooking up?"
     By now my daughter was becoming exasperated.  She moaned, "Come on Dad!"
    I said, "That's not an answer!  No hooking up?"
    "NO!"
    I rubbed my chin for a moment, staring at them.  "Wow, that sounds like a really boring party!"
    I was an instant hero.

On to the postal pile


Dear Dad Dude,
    My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 11 yr old son.  She wants to let him play Pop Warner football and I am afraid he's going to get permanently injured.   He is really good in sports and he really wants to play, but the thought of him being laid up is too much for me to handle.  I just can't fight the both of them.  How do I get my wife to come to my side?
- Determined to Win

Dear Winnie,
   Well, thank you very much!  Now no one can say this blog is cliche!
   Okay, here's the thing.  You asked the wrong question which leads me to believe that you do not compromise well.  The question should be, "Am I being unreasonable?"  The answer to that question is, no you are not.  BUT, that is not to say your son should not play football.  The three of you should sit down and discuss the problem rationally.  Maybe you know someone that has an old football injury that you can get an opinion from.  At the very least, I would talk to the coach and find out about the safety precautions the team and the league take.
    You cannot protect your son all his life.  Sometimes he is going to be in less than safe situations.  But you also do not need to allow him to take unnecessary risks.  I guess the three of you need to decide how necessary this risk is.  You three are just going to have to make the call.
    There.  That's enough talking out both sides of my mouth.  I know I was absolutely no help at all.  Oh well - Good luck!


Well, that's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com



  

There's Always Tomorrow .... NOT!

     In the big scheme of things, the day to day interaction with my kids never seemed like a big deal.  There was always tomorrow.  However, breaking it down to hours and minutes, and taking out time for work, sleep, and other necessities, there are maybe 25 to 30 hours per week that it is possible to interact with your kids.  That is only 17 percent of all time - not only your time, but your kid's time as well.
     Think about that.  That means that 83 percent of your kid's childhood will be spent without you.  And that is a best case scenario.  More than likely, the average dad spends something along the lines of 5 to 8 hours per week interacting or less!   That means that only 2 percent of your total time - and theirs are spent interacting!  In addition, childhood has a shelf-life.  And that shelf-life goes way quicker that can be imagined.
     The average pop probably spends way more time watching TV, yet he does not identify himself as a TV viewer, he identifies himself as a dad - even though, based on time (and sometimes - lets be honest - importance) he actually can be better described as a TV viewer.
     I am not preaching.  I put myself squarely in the TV Viewer camp.  Now that my kids are grown and gone, however, I wish I could go back, delete a lot more TV time, and add in a lot more dad time, because it was the dad times that I remember and cherish.

     Okay, on to a question.

Dear Dad Dude,
     I try to spend time with my teenager, but she doesn't seem to want to spend time with me.  I try to do things that she is interested in, but she always seems to come up with an excuse.  How can I connect with her in a meaningful way?
- Left Out on the Left Coast

Dear Lefty,
     Hopefully, you have cultivated a relationship with your daughter from an early age.  A lot of the time, lets face it, little kids are boring.  They're cute for a while but, because you have an adult brain, the level they are on is one you left behind long ago - hopefully.  I am assuming you did not sufficiently cultivate the relationship early on as if you did, most likely you would still have one now - assuming you did not do something to jeopardize it along the way - like embarrass her in front of her friends by just being you. 
   I think the best thing to do is to get her alone somewhere (maybe driving her somewhere?) and talk to her.  Tell her what you want and ask her how it can happen.  Ask her - don't assume - what she would like to do.  Find something that the two of you can do together - where there is no chance of running into one of her friends.
    Whatever you do, don't give up!  A lot of dads pull away from their daughters as they mature.  I commend you for trying to be there at a time she needs to have a positive male role model the most!


That's it!  Another installment in the can. If you read it and even kind of liked it, send a link to everyone you ever heard of!   Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
 
     Thanks for reading!

Write your questions to; daddude@wi.rr.com

A Toe in the Water

Hello out there in blog land.  Thank you for clicking onto my first ever blog.
     My name is Steve and I am in the process of writing a book called A Fatherhood Instruction Manual.  I have some experience at this, (the fatherhood stuff, not the writing stuff) as I have helped to raise two daughters to full and complete, society contributing adulthood.  Although I am quite biased, I think they both turned out pretty darn well - even though there were many missteps along the way.
     Now, assuming that I know a thing or two about being a dad, (I know, BIG assumption) and knowing that I want to share this assumed wisdom with whomever would deem to find it valuable - or at least somewhat entertaining, it seems to me that I need to be able to string a few coherent words together in a meaningful way. In order to bolster that effort, I am now officially a blogger.  Hopefully I haven't lost you yet with my inexperienced word stringing.
    So, anyway, here is my plan for this blog.  I am going to try to come up with a fatherhood type problem or dilemma, either of my own invention or - if anybody ever reads this thing  - from questions from the blogosphere.  As we go along, (my current goal is to write twice per week - unless I get popular or something crazy like that) I will maybe write a little about myself so anyone can ascertain the validity of any advice spewing from my keyboard.
     Now I think I've droned on too long already so let me get to an easy question to kick things off.

Dear Dad Dude,
     My 12 year old son seems to constantly torment his 8 year old sister.  Nothing I do seems to stop it.  I've tried yelling at him and punishing him, but still he persists.  What can I do?
-Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated,
     OK, I wasn't expecting such a hard question right off the bat, but seeing as that's what my fingers typed, here goes.  Before you do anything else, I think you should take a step back - way back and look at yourself.  What type of a man are you?  Do you live a decent life?  Do you live by a code of ethics?  Do you live by the golden rule?  Next take a hard look at your relationship with your son's mother.  How do you and her interact?  Is your son mirroring that relationship?  If you have any unsatisfactory answers to any of these questions, then you need to address them.  Always keep in mind that our kids derive a good deal of their behavior based on what they see in us.
     Next, have a meaningful talk with your son.  Ask him what he thinks is going on.  Try to do so in a non- threatening way.  If you can get him to admit there is a problem, ask him to come up with a solution to that problem.  Then ask him for a plan to implement that solution.  Once the plan is implemented, check back with him regularly and ask him how the plan is going and if any adjustments need to be made.
     Finally, let your daughter know what is going on and that you are there for her.
     If you do all this and still have a problem, it is far deeper than can be handled by some goofy guy in a blog.  Seek family counseling.


Well, thus concludes my first blog.  If you read it and even kind of liked it, please feel free to recommend it to everyone you know who has a computer.  Also, please know that I am in no way trained in family counseling or am I a doctor or any kind of relationship professional.  Agree or not - the choice is 100% yours!
     Thanks for reading!